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How do you raise achievers?

By on January 22, 2019

Parents have always been worried about their kids. Now more than ever, with the current economic crisis. What parent doesn’t want their kids to be high-achieving, happy adults?

Some parents spend a lot of money to ensure their children’s success: early learning programs, math flashcards, Baby Einstein, Mozart music in the crib, angling for placements in elite preschools, Sylvan Learning Centers, Kumon, tutors, summer schools.

Does this work? The answer seems to be no. Kids who attend academically-oriented preschools know more letters and numbers than their peers when they get to kindergarten – but those gains usually fade away by 1st grade. Even worse, kids who attend academic preschools are often less creative and less enthusiastic about learning. There are studies dating back to the 1930s that show that kids who learn to read before age 5 tend to have more reading problems than kids who learn to read in grade school.

What’s the best predictor of elementary school success? Your child’s vocabulary. And how do kids learn new words? By listening to their parents talk and by having their parents read to them out loud, every day. No flash cards required. Indeed, recent studies using MRI brain scans of kids indicate that – when it comes to child development and academic success – hares tend to lose to tortoises. Most Nobel laureates, for example, were late bloomers. Some parents might say: But doesn’t my child’s performance in elementary, middle and high school directly influence which college he gets into – and doesn’t that then influence the kind of life he leads as an adult – i.e., whether he will be rich or poor, successful or frustrated, happy or depressed?

Again, the answer seems to be no. Back in 1999, two researchers with the Andrew Mellon Foundation in the US found that graduating from an elite university DOES increase your earning power, but only slightly – and over time, its effects were minimal compared to the qualities of each individual graduate. Twenty years after graduation, people from “moderately selective” universities tend to have the same
incomes as people from “prestigious universities.”

Even more shocking, the researchers discovered that the biggest predictors of future income were: imagination, ambition, perseverance, maturity, discipline, and personal ability. It turns out that parents who pressure their children to excel may actually be pushing their kids in the WRONG direction. Most people nowadays have heard of Emotional Intelligence (EQ): the ability to recognize and understand your own feelings, the ability to empathize with other people’s feelings, and the ability to resist or delay your own impulses.  Recent longitudinal studies reveal a strong link between EQ and academic success in high school and college. Indeed, your child’s EQ is a stronger predictor of academic success in college than your child’s high school GPA.

So how do you REALLY raise a high-achieving child?

KNOW THY CHILD. Every kid is unique, and every kid will show you what he’s good at and what he struggles with – if YOU are paying attention.

GET BEHIND AND PUSH. Find your child’s strengths, talents and affinities – and foster them.

DO NO HARM. Your child’s biggest goal in life, believe it or not, is to please you. If your child starts to believe that he is a disappointment to you, he’ll start having problems with behavior, mood and academic
under performance. You can count on it. So do not be excessively critical of your child!

BE A WISE CONSUMER OF EDUCATION. If you have a choice of schools, look for the place where your child is most likely to fit and flourish – not the place with with most graduates at Harvard.

BE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOUR CHILD IS LEARNING. This inspires your child, who – as you may recall – really, REALLY wants to please you. Ask about what he’s learning. Talk about it. Learn about it together.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS. You’d be surprised at how many busy, successful parents DON’T really do this. Engage your kids in conversation. Talk about important things in their presence. They not only learn new words and concepts – they also learn how YOU’RE feeling and how to recognize and manage their own feelings.

GIVE YOUR KIDS ENOUGH DOWNTIME. Hurried, overscheduled kids become hurried, overscheduled adults – valedictorians on antidepressants! Is that what you want?

Your emotional connection to your kids is more important to their future success than any training or education they receive.

 
 

About Scott Smith

A Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of California (LCS#23576), Scott Smith has lived in Japan for more than 30 years and speaks Japanese as well as English. He works with individuals, couples and families and has special training and experience with teenagers and couples.