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Being An Authentic Mom Despite the Madness of Motherhood

By on October 22, 2018

Motherhood is hard.

Yes, it has its rewards. But especially in today’s economy where making ends meet requires both parents to be working outside the home, the recognition of exactly how much work it is to be a mom has women around the world deciding to forgo parenthood, delay it, or limit their family to just one child.

In Japan, this is becoming so much the norm that some research predicts Japan’s population will decline by 30-50% within the next 3-5 decades. While articles cite economic pressures, overly demanding work cultures, or the increasing self-centeredness of youth, many women hesitate to embark on the motherhood path simply because everywhere they look, they see that moms are struggling.

While the moms I talk to love their children dearly, most cannot honestly claim that motherhood has made them happier. The most common complaint I hear is that women feel they’ve lost themselves since becoming a mom. The pressure to have a successful career, high performing kids, a loving relationship and a clean house while still managing to look good and keep a smile on their face can be crushing.

As a mom myself, I wish I could tell you I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t. I constantly struggle to combine being a mom with growing my business, keeping fit, and keeping the romance alive with my husband. Several years ago, I reached a low point. I was so drained all I could do at the end of the day was sit on the couch and watch TV. I was 40 pounds overweight, exhausted, and not that much fun to be around. Despite being a personal mess, I know I was still a pretty “good” mom. My son was happy, healthy, doing well in school and got plenty of quality time and cuddles. But my constant choice to put my own needs second to those of my family had left me feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and depressed. Thankfully, this low point sparked some introspection that was the catalyst for a few mental shifts that have made motherhood feel more like a challenging game to play than a never-ending uphill slog.

So what did I figure out? The secret to “mom-ing” with more joy and less stress is this: Stop trying to be the perfect mom and instead to learn to embrace (and even amplify) the wildly imperfect, and fabulously flawed woman you are in all areas of your life. Here are a few tips.

• Recognize that being a mom is just one part of who you are.

You might also be a philosopher, partier, healer, slob, sex maniac, leader, vegetarian, beer lover, humanitarian, short-tempered spouse and knitter. While it is easy to judge certain parts of yourself as imperfect and want to hide them or change them, the first step on the path to change is to own all of who you are. Take stock of all the elements that make up the unique messy-beautiful ball of contradictions that you are and decide to stop judging them as good, bad or otherwise.

• Identify the parts you love and want to keep.

Which parts do you love? Be careful when answering this question not to succumb to expectations of how you think you should or shouldn’t be. If drinking beer is one of the great joys of your life, make sure you keep it! Once you take stock of the things you love about yourself, get curious about how much air time these parts get now that you’re a mom. Figure out how to prioritize the time to nurture those traits you love about yourself and engage in activities that make life good for you. Hint: Focus on the little things. When I identified “deep thinker” as something I really loved about myself, I recognized that time to read thought-provoking books and write in my journal were essential activities. I do my best deep thinking in the morning, so I shifted my gym routine to later and built a habit of journaling prior to doing all the other work and mom-related tasks on my list.

• Get curious about the parts of your role as mom that you resent.

Chances are these resentments are there because there’s something else you want to be doing instead. Whether it’s exercise, solitude, reading or even doing a work project that excites you, resentment is your soul’s signpost that you’re out of alignment with who you are or what you long to become. Many women I’ve worked with point their resentment at others. The kids don’t pick up after themselves. Your husband never cooks. No one else can do the laundry the way you want it. But don’t be fooled. Blaming others for why you “have to” do something or “can’t” make a different choice is actually your way of hiding from your own potential. The secret you’re keeping even from yourself is that the things you claim to resent are protecting you from the much scarier option of investing your efforts in either finding or acting on whatever it is that you really long to do with your life. When I realized that I was hiding from my writing dreams with housework and started to choose writing instead of cleaning, my energy began to rebound. My house is not as clean, but I am happier and less resentful because I have been making steady progress on writing my next book.

As a recovering perfectionist mom, I still get stressed and feel not good enough on an almost daily basis, but the more I learn to flow with all of the crazy, lazy and wonderful bits of who I am, the more I am rediscovering not only my energy, but my capacity for fun, creativity and connection. I hope that you play with the suggestions above to begin finding your own way to your perfect version of an imperfect mom.

About Andrea Jacques

Andrea Jacques is the founder of Kyosei Consulting and the author of Wabi-Sabi Wisdom: Inspiration for an Authentic Life (available on Amazon.com). She has spent more than 30 years developing the potential of people and businesses worldwide, five of which were in Japan. A dynamic speaker, coach, and facilitator, her work integrates spiritual insight with top-tier leadership, wellness and sustainability consulting to help individuals and organizations build thriving, purpose-driven cultures where employees know their work truly matters. She can be contacted through her website at www.kyoseiconsulting.com