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Chronic anger damages your health and relationships. What can you do about it?

By on October 1, 2018

Prevention

People who get angry a lot usually have at least two things in common: they don’t take good care of themselves, and they tend to feel helpless and mistreated.

How nice are you to yourself? One way to decrease anger problems is to relax on a regular basis. This could include anything from exercise, recreation, and sex, to having a good cry, talking about your problems with someone you trust, or just getting more sleep.

Another way to reduce anger is to learn to be more assertive. Passive people seldom get what they want and end up full of resentment. (You can imagine what this leads to!) Aggressive people push, demand, and punish to get what they want, which irritates the rest of us and leads to more conflict. Assertive people, by contrast, express their feelings directly, set limits, say “no” – and at the same time they respect other people’s right to do the same.

Management

The key to curbing angry feelings is to pay attention to your thoughts. It’s not the situation that enrages you – it’s how you think about the situation. If you’re willing to put in the time and effort, you can change the way you think.

Start by keeping track of the times you lose your temper. See if you can identify what experts call trigger thoughts (usually some variation on the theme of, “That bad person deliberately did something mean to poor little me!”). Next, examine the evidence to see if those thoughts are really justified (Did that drunk guy bump into you on purpose? Is your boss an evil jerk? Is your child really trying to provoke you by fooling around at the breakfast table?)

Next, replace these irrational thoughts with more realistic ones. (“He didn’t mean to bump into me.” “My boss is a very unhappy, stressed-out person.”

“My child is going to miss the school bus if she doesn’t hurry – but yelling at her won’t help.”)

You can also experiment with acting the opposite. Try smiling instead of frowning. Speak softly instead of yelling. Walk away instead of attacking. Try to understand instead of blaming.

Learning to manage your anger is hard work, but you, your loved ones, your friends, and your co-workers (not to mention that drunk guy) will be glad you did it!

About Dr. Douglas Eames