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High-Tech flirting: How to talk to your teens about sexting

By on April 26, 2023

Isn’t it wonderful how computer-savvy kids are today? But there’s a flip side to all the high-tech gizmos that have become such a huge part of our everyday lives. It’s called ‘sexting’- the sending of sexually explicit messages or images by cell phone.

A study by the Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project revealed that 15 per cent of American teenagers aged 12 to 17 have received nude images of someone they know. Another survey found that more than a quarter of U.S. teens have sent naked pictures of themselves to boyfriends or girlfriends via their cell phones or by e-mail. 

“Sexting is anything of a sexual nature sent electronically between two people, and it’s an increasingly big issue,” says Sara Dimerman, a family therapist and author of two parenting books. “It’s just so easy to send pictures now, especially since most smartphones have built-in cameras.”

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The immediacy of today’s technology means that most teens don’t stop and think about the possible consequences of this kind of communication.“The danger is that anything that’s sent is permanent and irretrievable,” warns Dimerman. “Because teenagers lack maturity, if they break up and one person’s angry at the other, they may then forward that picture to their friends, and ultimately, the whole school can see the same image. That could be devastating, and teenagers may not be able to handle the fallout. This kind of thing could follow kids through their life.”

Technology can lead to tragedy

Sexting isn’t just a hot trend; it can also be considered a crime, and can even lead to tragedy. Teenagers across the U.S. have been arrested on child pornography charges for sending explicit photos of themselves to other people, while other young people have lost university scholarships or jobs when sexually suggestive images of them were discovered by campus recruiters or potential employers. In 2018, sexting was linked to at least two suicides in the U.S.: 18-year-old Jessica Logan of Cincinnati committed suicide after months of cyber-bullying by classmates who had seen nude pictures of her that she’d sent to her boyfriend. Several months later, 13-year-old Hope Witsell of Tampa Bay hanged herself after being taunted for sending a naked photo of herself to a boy she liked, which was then forwarded to others.

“A lot of teenagers don’t understand the impact that this kind of behaviour has on them and ultimately on their future,” says Dimerman. “It’s a hard thing to convince a 14-year-old of, when they don’t have a whole lot of life experience. They feel like they’re pretty invincible.”

Sabrina*, 14, says she has never participated in sexting, but likens it to “flirting or talking dirty to boys”. She knows a girl whose photo was sent to her boyfriend, then forwarded all over the place. “She thought she’d sent it to somebody that would never do that; she trusted that person. She was pretty upset about it. People called her a whore.”

Sabrina also knows girls who have been pressured by their boyfriends into posing for pictures without their clothes on or taking off their clothing in front of a live Web cam. “It’s really hard to say no, because if you like a guy and he says, ‘Send me pictures’, then you’ll feel like you have to because you like him.” 

Broaching the subject

Talking to your teen about sexting can seem daunting, so Dimerman suggests approaching the issue in a non-judgmental way. “Encourage your child to talk to you by saying, ‘Hey, I read this really interesting article today about sexting; have you ever heard of that?’ Don’t lecture; just engage them in conversation out of a sense of curiosity. I often say to my younger clients: ‘Teach me about this; I’m interested to learn more’. That way, you open the lines of communication, as opposed to closing them.”

Parents should educate their teens about sexting, adds Sabrina, because “some kids don’t really know that they can’t delete photos they send to their boyfriend or girlfriend. They should explain how this could have a bad outcome.”

If your teenager tells you that all her friends sext on a regular basis, resist the powerful urge to ask if she’s doing it too, adds Dimerman. “The likelihood of teens engaging in it if their friends are doing it is quite high, but hold off on those questions until much later, if ever, because the minute you start pointing the finger and saying ‘You shouldn’t’, you immediately shut down the communication.”

Use news stories as a springboard for discussion, advises Dimerman. “When you come across those stories about somebody that’s committed suicide, share that with your teenager. Those kinds of stories will really hit home, and show the huge impact that this can have.” 

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